I’m So Tired. Am I Growing Chin Hairs? What’s Wrong With My Foot?

I’m not saying I’m old but…

Finding a pair of pants that isn’t too tight in the waist, doesn’t squeeze the oxygen out of me when I sit and doesn’t cost the same as a mortgage payment is like finding a needle in a needlestack.

Lately, my mid-section looks like I ate a pot of baked beans and Brussels spouts followed by a broccoli chaser.

I have a perpetual callus on my left heel that I have sawed off whenever I get a pedicure. The fact that it keeps returning leaves me with two choices: 1) Slather an oily lotion on it and cover it with a sock to lock in the moisture before getting into bed (which gives me one hot foot and one cool foot and is annoying); or 2) Wake up with a hoof in the morning. Like an actual hoof.

I remember a time I referred to my knees as “left” and “right” instead of “good” and “bad.” These days when I move they sound like crumpled candy wrappers or a crackling fire.

My finger cramps up when I’m scrolling online trying to find the year I was born on a website.

I can do either a daytime activity or a nighttime activity but I cannot, under any circumstances, do both.

I’ve been playing a frequent game of “Did I Just Sprout a New Chin Hair?” and at least once a week I try to solve the middle-age mystery of “Where did this bruise come from?”

Our dinner time and bedtime are getting dangerously close to each other.

I always have tissues in my purse. They’re wrinkled and dusty but I promise they’re clean. I also have hard candy, pain reliever, chapstick, and emergency snacks.

I pee now whenever I pass a bathroom “just in case.”

I’ve been debating whether to use my birthday Amazon gift card on a new toaster or a set of sheets.

I’m not saying I need reading glasses but I just increased the font size on my Kindle to “Billboard.”

I have a favorite stovetop burner.

After 8 pm the television is white noise for my evening couch nap.

A lot of small talk with friends consists of discussing our last nap and when we’d like to take another nap.

Most of my bodily injuries are caused by sleeping weirdly.

Using the wrong pillow makes my body feel like a truck ran over it.

“Friends with benefits” means having someone who can drive at night because every car looks like it has its high beams on.

I just bought a cute pill organizer because I can’t remember if I took my pills five minutes after I took my pills.

When I was a kid I wondered what it would be like to be a grownup. Now I know that it’s like middle school with more money, more wrinkles, a tired, sore body, and less tolerance for bull sh*t. But hey, I’ve eaten nothing but M&Ms all day so I guess childhood dreams really do come true.

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