Being At Home Is So Sexy

There. Whew. That’s Better.

What is your favorite time of day? After tearing around like speedballs most of the afternoon, my favorite time is after we’ve eaten dinner, the kitchen is cleaned, and we’ve taken a short walk around the neighborhood—usually around 7 p.m. I’m too tired to start any projects. I want to collapse on the couch for television watching before nodding off, drooling slightly, and occasionally lightly snoring. 

My hair goes into a sloppy bun after dinner, and my makeup is washed away. I rip off the somewhat presentable clothes I wore during the day and toss that sucktastic sports bra in the hamper. There is no way I should be expected to wear it for ONE MORE SECOND because I feel like I will EXPLODE. I vigorously scratch the part of my body between my neck and abdomen. Is that area called the thorax? All I know is that my chest area feels free and unconstricted for the first time in 12 hours.

There. Whew. That’s better. 

I take a few deep breaths before I slide into my slovenly evening pre-pajama uniform, starting with faded leggings that are too tattered for the Goodwill box. I roll them under my belly so they don’t feel clingy in the waistline, and then I pull on one of Bill’s tee shirts, also old, faded, and bordering on “throw in the trash immediately.” Under the tee, I wear something called a “bralette” that provides virtually no support but occasionally keeps two parts of my anatomy from bouncing around and smacking into things, like my face, as I slowly slide down the couch into a snorting, drooling la-la land.

Zzzzzzzzzzz…

Bill recently told me that an ocean’s equivalent of moisture comes out of my mouth in drool, and I snore loud enough to rattle the windows. So, of course, I ripped off his head and devoured it. Let my husband’s headless body be a warning to all you husbands: If you can wake the dead with your snoring, soak a pillow with your nighttime drool, AND have a perpetual nose whistle, you should NEVER tell your menopausal wife, who is prone to flash flares, that she snores LOUDER and drools MORE.

Being at home is so sexy, don’t you think?