I Shouldn’t Be Allowed in Home Goods Unsupervised

About two weeks ago, Bill was excited to start our 25464 home improvement project. (Har har har to the excited part.) This latest project was adding shiplap to the wall behind the bed in one of the bedrooms.

I know some feel shiplap is dated and overused, but the style of our house leans towards a small Nantucket cottage, so it works. Besides, I decorate with what brings me joy rather than focus on what’s trending. I try to go for a classic look that won’t look dated in a short time because I hate to decorate and want to do it as little as possible. We are also less than affluent and can’t afford to change much regularly, so classic it is.

Bill and Danielle's DIY projects always start with us agreeing to this: We will nail wood to the wall, shove the furniture back in place, and keep everything else the same in the room.

Except when we were finished with the bedroom wall I wanted to get a new bedspread, but that’s all. So I schlepped to that decorating retail hell also known as Home Goods to buy JUST A BEDSPREAD!!!! And then arrive home a few hours later with 5 bags of crap we didn’t need but I had to have not because I’m impulsive, but because I’m convinced Home Goods pipes a crack-like substance into the store that hypnotizes you into thinking you must buy things you don't want or need.

Like a cheese dome that sits on a little round marble plate. En route to the bedding in the back of the store, I passed a shelf of cheese-dome-marble-plate combos, fell in love with one, and bought it even though I don’t eat cheese and know Bill would prefer to not be bothered lifting the dome thingy every time he wants a piece of cheddar because it would be easier to inhale slices off a paper plate.  

Do you want to know what made less sense? The new quilt I bought for the bed looks almost exactly like the quilt we already have on the bed.  

So I need to make another trip to Home Goods to return three bags of stuff and that right there is my problem with the store. 

After my initial visit, when I drop too much money on useless sh*t, I have to make a second trip to return most of it. And then I buy more useless sh*t that I don’t need and end up on a merry-go-round of buying and returning Home Goods merchandise for a few weeks, and in the end, all I end up with is a few dumb pillows that look almost exactly like the dumb pillows we already have.  

I’ll be getting that party started later this afternoon. I’m keeping the cheese dome and the quilt but returning a few other things.

A set of candles is going back because we already have a boatload of candles we don’t use. A sailboat picture was also a no because we have one in the dining room and a different but similar sailboat picture stored in the garage. And the bag of blue pillows to put on the bed to replace the blue pillows already on the bed—we're not keeping them either. By the way, have you noticed how small my decorating range is?

I will also be returning the cutest wooden whale on a stick statue because Mr. I-Don’t-Care-What-You-Put-In-Our-House-Or-How-You-Decorate-And-Just-Let-Me-Watch-Golf-On-Television noticed the whale on a shelf by the fireplace and turned into Mr. Absolutely-No-Decorating-With-Whales-I-Want-No-Whales-In-This-House-Because-I-Hate-Whales.

Okay then.  

I'd like to know how we managed 32 years of wedded bliss with me unaware of Bill's aversion to whale décor.  

Maybe I should remind him of how I tolerated that mounted six-foot marlin he caught when he was 18 years old off the coast of the Outer Banks that he insisted we hang in our house in Pittsburgh, which had no coastal, beach, sea, or Nantucket vibe whatsoever. Picture a miscellaneous giant fish nailed to the wall of a 1990s Tuscany-style home. 

When women visited our home they always said something like “Oh...the...fiiissssh…" and made a "Seriously?" face, while men who visited our home always said something like, “WOW! That fish is AWESOME!!”

But enough about the fish. I’m off to my fourth Home Goods trip in two weeks. Please send thoughts and prayers so I find the willpower to return my stuff and walk out of the store empty-handed. 

PS - I saw this contraband on Wayfair and LOVE IT: I'm tempted.