Mental Health Goal: Jean Shopping Without Crying in the Dressing Room

It’s been a long time since I shopped for clothes, mainly because I dislike shopping and the diet I plan to embrace every Monday morning has not gone as planned, in that I say "I'll start over tomorrow" after plowing through a bag of potato chips before noon. So I don’t particularly enjoy buying cute clothes for my temporary body when ANY DAY NOW I will stop snacking and fit into a smaller size.

Did you hear me? 

Any. Day. Now.

I mean it this time.

For that reason, the idea of wearing stylish outfits is unfamiliar to me, like wearing shoes that aren't sneakers or flip-flops or wearing a color besides black. If I'm not home cleaning or doing a sloppy DIY project, I'm running out the door to exercise off the previous day's snacks, so why not wear the same few pairs of running shorts every day?

As far as my clothes are concerned, I always leaned more on the side of "cute," which was doable in my 20s and 30s, and even my 40s if I tried hard but it is difficult to pull off in my late 50s, although I'm still making the effort because old habits are hard to shake.

Recently, I was bored and envious because a few friends were on exotic vacations while I was sitting by one of the multiple gorgeous swimming pools in this unbelievably beautiful town that we live in suffering from a whopping case of I'm-Jealous-I'm-Not-On-A-Viking-River-Cruise-Or-In-Cancun-Itis.

Let's take a second to feel sorry for me.

Okay, are we back?

To relieve my mental anguish, after I left the pool, I showered, slapped my hair in a ponytail, and went to Target. 

I love Target. I love their vinyl purses and pleather shoes. I love their giant makeup aisles and I love their plastic jewelry. I love their housewares and I love their clothing too.

Oh Target! You chase away my blues!

I ended up spending much of the afternoon tooling around in the women's section after deciding I needed new jeans.

Have you jean shopped lately? If so, can you make sense of what the "in" styles and current trends are? 

Judging from the Target racks, loose denim is the current vibe, with various stages of baggy. There are straight (think 1990s mom jeans), baggy (mom jeans with extra denim), and wide-leg.

Target also has a decent selection of skinny jeans, which I love but according to recent fashion articles, skinny jeans are dead so stick a fork in them, bury them, and do not wear them ever again.

I skipped the baggy jeans since putting something the size of a cotton tarp on my body would be anything but flattering. But I couldn't help myself and tried on a pair of mom jeans.

Hey, you know who looks good in mom jeans? 

Everyone but me.

The fashion influencers will tell you they look great on anyone with an hourglass figure but what they mean is "They look great on anyone with an hourglass figure who is not Danielle." 

Mom jeans made my thighs look like two giant sequoia tree trunks.

I needed a moment of zen and deep breathing to ease the mental anguish caused by seeing myself in a dressing room mirror in that oh-so-flattering dressing room lighting wearing a pair of mom jeans.

The only reason the hyperventilating from that breathtaking vision didn't kill me was because I knew I would be found dead wearing something I would never want to be caught dead in.

But one of the awesome things about Target is the choices! I pulled off those silly mom jeans, tried on a pair of wide-leg jeans, and BLISS! Then I tried on a pair of influencer-shunned skinny jeans. They fit and were so comfortable I had to have them.

The next time you see me, I may be sporting them and looking like a Fashion Don't. But whatever. Finding two pairs of jeans that fit in the same store at the same time - that's seventeen shades of awesome right there.

As for the rest of the shopping trip, I found a black bathing suit cover that I probably should have bought in a different color, because black again, a pair of sandals and a purse.

I didn't exactly branch out from my typical style and try new things but, I left Target happy because retail therapy can cure any -itis, because there was zero foot-stomping frustration while shopping for jeans, and because I'm safe in the knowledge that I don't have to jean shop again until I'm forced to do so out of necessity somewhere around the year 2029.