Lately My Hobbies Are Phone Scrolling and Being Generally Dissatisfied With Everything
I’ve felt irritable and exhausted lately, but I don’t know why. Let’s try to unravel this mystery, shall we? What does a typical Monday look like? Well, I wake up, skip breakfast, and drink a can of Diet Mountain Dew. Duh! Low calories mean low energy. It’s pathetic how far a girl will go to save a few calories while telling herself, “If I stick with it and just try a little harder, I’ll wear a bikini by June…” (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…are you laughing at that delusion?)
Anyway, I usually run out the door at 7:30 and struggle through a kick-ass exercise class that I have no business doing without nutrients in my body, and oh my GOD, you’d think I’d be fitter, or at least thinner, you know?
It's not a big surprise that I’m tired when I get home. To recover, I spend a chunk of time sitting on the couch scrolling on my phone - So. Much. Screen. Time. - while eating a bagel with peanut butter and a side of Doritos washed down with a large glass of sweet tea.
I haven’t been sleeping well, probably because of the gallons of sweet tea I drink throughout the day. I don’t know about you, but I think sweet tea is fabulous. I never say fabulous, but if I did, I would always use that word to refer to sweet tea. That being said, now that I think about it, I hardly ever drink anything that isn’t laced with caffeine.
I’m so jacked up on caffeine that I usually spend most of Monday cleaning the house and trying to remember the last time I was outside in the sunlight for any length of time. It’s always rush to the car. Rush into the gym. Rush into the grocery store. Rush home to cook dinner. Rush. Rush. Rush - most likely from the caffeine caffeine caffeine.
I also spent time being hard on myself because my stomach isn’t flat, and I have wrinkles around my eyes. I can almost braid the hair on my legs because I’m too lazy to shave them in the winter. Sometimes I go four or more days without washing my hair, and it looks like shit, so I wear a baseball cap, and my head sweats and itches.
When I’m driving my car, I start thinking and searching for meaning and purpose in my life. I mean, is this it? I have so many good things - a cute little house, an adorable granddaughter, friends - but I kind of thought I’d be more, I don’t know…accomplished and secure at this age. When I was 30, I thought by age 60 I’d have IT ALL figured out when, in reality, I’m only slightly more confident now than I was three decades ago and still trying to determine what I’d like to do with the rest of my life outside of having fun and laughing as much as possible. Sometimes, I feel frivolous and want to contribute more to society, but most of the time, I’m not sure how. Thankfully, I’m only 59 years old and still have another 11-1/2 months to get that shit together.
I’m getting off track, so I will say this: Those feelings are all very real and, dare I say, normal. Who reading this hasn’t felt or done at least some of those things? Saying it here makes me want to better myself in a healthy, loving way rather than through punishment and restrictions (i.e., exercising too much, not eating enough nutritious foods, mentally berating myself up for not using shampoo and a razor regularly and etfuckingcetera (my new favorite word.)
Oh, and one more thing. Do you want to know what else is normal? Not doing laundry until you run out of underwear, being an outfit repeater, eating leftovers at home to save money, having stomach rolls when you sit down, and not decorating your house for every season or holiday.
But seriously, I really need to PUT DOWN MY PHONE. I think a lot of the emptiness/insecurity/negative feelings I have are because I spend too much of my own time watching other people’s lives (i.e., influencers) in the imaginary world of Instagram, and at the end of the day, I’ve nourished and grown nothing of my own. So, right there, THAT’S what I need to work on.
Whew, excuse me. I need to find a moment of zen.
Okay, are we back?
Don’t get me wrong; there are such good times in my life and such streaks that make everything worthwhile. Sometimes, I feel so charmed and lucky. And occasionally, the drudgery and discontentment are palpable, like today, which means you get to read all about it in a blog post.