Florida Has Two Seasons: Summer and Allergies

My allergies have always been awful, but more so in Florida in the spring. My new normal is congestion, sniffling, and making a goose-honking noise when I breathe.

You should see my purse, with crumpled tissues stuffed into every crevice (I’ve officially achieved Level 1 Grandma status), my pockets, which are bulging with Kleenex, or my bra, because I stuff a few in there where I don't have pockets, even though the last thing that area needs is more padding.  

On the rare occasion when I’m not nose-blowing. I’m wiping my watery eyes and clearing my throat because of drainage. When I exercise, my nose goes into dripping overdrive, and since I can’t always stop and blow it, I sound like a certain presidential candidate during those 2016 debates-  SNNIIIIFFFF, SNURRRFF. 

(I apologize to anyone standing close who must endure my annoying exercise grunts AND sniffling.)

The issues with my face holes have plagued me since birth. Around age 28, after having a baby, my nose sealed up entirely, and I  felt like I was constantly gasping for air. Hormones, they said. In desperation, I started the allergy shots I always said NOFNWAY to.

After two years of weekly jabs, some itching and hives, and one anaphylaxic reaction, my allergies improved, and HOT-DIGGITY - life was good!

For the first time, I could breathe through both nostrils simultaneously, and they didn’t feel like they had been packed with concrete. They were then super glued shut for good measure. 

I remember thinking, “So this is how normal people live!" 

The days of having a nose that worked about as well as Voldemort’s and breathing with my mouth hanging open like a dog's were over!

Or so I thought.

We moved to Florida five years ago, JFC and it started again. The pressure! I can't breathe!

I tried a couple of allergy medicines and entered side-effect hell. It didn’t matter what I took. I ended up tired, hyper, or spaced out.

The allergy pills cleared my nose but dried my eyes and mouth. While I appreciated breathing, shuffling through life like the Walking Dead, having my eyeballs pasted to my eyelids, and not being able to taste food was something I disliked. Like for real. I would rather eat a handful of fire ants than not taste the delicious sweetness of my daily cookie-sugar rush.

My doctor suggested Afrin. You know Afrin, right? You spray it in each nostril, it burns, and then the insides of your nose dilate with a WHOOOOSH and your sinuses are instantly unobstructed.  

Does anyone remember that song from Young Frankenstein, "Oh, Sweet Mystery of Life, At Last, I’ve Found You?" Uptight Elizabeth sings it after she hooks up with the freakishly large (if you know what I mean) monster, and her life is forever changed. 

That's what Afrin was like - it was life-changing.

But it's a slippery slope when you start on Afrin because you can only use it for three days. If you snort it any longer, you'll get rebound congestion, which is worse congestion than the congestion you started out with.

So, after three days of blissful breathing, I woke on Day 4 and was like, "Oh, for crying out loud! That was super worth it!" I cleared my head and then plugged it right back up again!

Before I could descend into a lengthy whine-fest, my doctor suggested Flonase, which will supposedly start working in a week or two. Until then, I’m back to my chronic pug-sniffle. Sleeping is a joy (said sarcastically) since one side of my head gets blocked, and I have to rotate all night like a rotisserie chicken.

On the plus side, saline has been helpful, and I enjoy standing in a hot, steamy shower. The other day, I perched on a stool in front of the stove with a towel over my head, inhaling the steam from a boiling pot of water and thinking, "This is effective and maybe doing double duty as a facial, but how many more hours of my life am I going to have to spend overheated with my head hanging over a pot of bubbling, scalding water?"  I can't say I hope to repeat the experience anytime soon. 

I'm not a total drama queen here—or maybe I am? I have perspective, and I'm thankful there are ways to treat these allergies. However, I think Allergy Shots Part 2 may be in my future, and I’m not thrilled about that.

I’m not in the mood for the weekly drive, the itching, sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for a reaction and then reacting 10 minutes after I leave, and then having to drive back to the office for a shot of Benadryl while hoping I can stay awake for the drive home, but for the love of God, I’m willing to do anything just to breathe.

And yes Whah Whah Whah. I know. There are worse things in life to endure. I get it. Now, please excuse me—I need a Kleenex.  

I love this picture of my Aunt Rita standing in the middle of her beautiful flowers. Is it just me, or does looking at it make you feel like your eyes are watering and you have to sneeze?