My New Weight Loss Goal Is However Much Weight I Lose After Shaving My Legs
After the winter break, should I start shaving my legs religiously again, or should I continue infrequent shavings for a few more weeks?
I suppose it depends on whether unpredictable spring Florida temperatures nudge themselves up to shorts-wearing level. Before you think I’m a slob, I have shaved my legs sporadically since Thanksgiving. Why, I shaved them just last week, and that stunt opened up a can of worms when I was left wondering if I should contact Locks of Love regarding my donation or if they would contact me. How exactly does that work? I need answers.
Seriously, I dislike shaving my legs. It’s dangerous and painful, and some mornings, when I’m not completely awake, it’s comparable to a near-death experience or the shower scene in Psycho. One wrong move and my leg is bleeding like a stab wound. And don’t even get me started on razor burn and the existential dread of knowing I should shave them again tomorrow.
I’m not sure what’s more frustrating: the fact that the hair grows back or the fact that I always miss a spot. It’s aggravating when you discover you missed a large swath of hair. It’s like that time in high school when you feel like a dumb ass after turning in a test without realizing there was a back side.
Actually, the older I get, the less I care about missed spots. Twelve-year-old excessively self-conscious me would have gone to the pool in five layers of clothing after noticing I missed a 2 mm spot of leg hair. But 59-year-old me doesn’t have that many f*cks left to give. Hello friends! It is I, Bigfoot, confirmed!
Oh, and why are razors so expensive? If society demands we shave our legs (and arms, in my case) so we’re not gross, then decent razors should be affordable. I’m talking about you, Costco Wholesale! Who do you think you are selling a 10-pack of Venus razors for $37??!! At that price, I may accept my fate as a hairy beast.
No! No! No, I won’t. Despite my winter laziness and aversion to shaving, I like the feeling of shaved legs. Especially when you shave them after like three weeks and SWEET JESUS they feel so soft and smooth you can’t hardly stand it and you’re proud because you skillfully transformed yourself from wooly mammoth to sexy hot mama with minimal blood loss. It’s great.
When I do shave my legs and go out wearing shorts or one of those old-lady skort things I am now addicted to (also purchased at Costco for the bargain price of $9.99), we must celebrate. Remarking on how soft and smooth they are would be appreciated because I spent a good bit of time sheering them, cut the shit out of myself in the process, almost had to apply a tourniquet and was late to whatever I was attending because I had to mop the blood stains out of the shower.
Of course, you know I’m exaggerating, as usual. A little.