I Can’t Sleep At Night, But I’m Great At It During the Day
Bedtime routine: Shower, brush teeth, don pjs, set alarm, just a few minutes on Facebook, put phone down, close eyes, no not yet, I’m still on Facebook???, OMG I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow and feel like I’m dead, I just need to like one more Facebook post then I’ll sleep, holy shit it’s been 4 hours and I’m still awake.
Hello insomnia. It looks like you, me, and my demons will be spending the night together!
I’ll take the blame for that. There’s no doubt I’d get more sleep if I put my phone down and didn’t insist on reading the entire internet after I got into bed and if my anxiety cooperated and wasn’t determined to put on a one-woman show with it’s Excuse me, I’d like to remind you of something embarrassing you did in 2006 and I’ve also put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you. Shall we review it now? bullshit.
And I’m like, I can’t sleep, I’m bored, it’s hot, why did I suck down an iced coffee before dinner, everything I ever said to anyone was wrong, I’m angry the pillows, the sheets, the temperature of the room and the way the bed is as comfortable as rolling in a pile of tiny, stinging jellyfish would be.
This is not to say insomnia is all bad. On those sleepless nights, I remind myself that this too shall pass, and I use the time to win every single argument I’ve ever had with someone in my head, getting a jumpstart on the laundry, and eating snacks quietly. Insomnia is also my greatest inspiration. When I’m not mentally berating myself, I solve the world’s problems, redecorate our house, and map out where to go pillow shopping when the sun comes up.
But the next day, unless I have a nap and a shit ton of caffeine (and yes, I realize it is a vicious cycle), I’m heaving with exhausting, jaw-breaking yawns and walking around zombie-like with a bleary-eyed, blank expression, existing in a fog of sleep deprivation, mentally impaired, and a little resentful of anyone who was snoozing while my brain reviewed the past and imagined better endings to every single situation I’ve ever been in. If I stop moving for five minutes, my eyes might droop shut, and there will be a line of slobber hanging from my lower lip.
On the flip side, Bill goes to sleep whenever he’s tired, and it’s the most impressive thing I've ever seen anyone do. For me, it’s a crapshoot, and I usually end up lying awake, listening for his open-mouthed loud-ass snoring, one ear humming and tuned in like an amateur radio antenna.
To offset my kvetching, I will say, after a few days of thinking, Sleep! I need sleep! All I want to do is lie down, shut my eyes, and sleep for a year! complete exhaustion settles in and I fall into a drooling coma for several nights in a row. For that, I’m grateful, except it would be nice to have at least A LITTLE consistency.