A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Younger Danielle - This is your 58-year-old self sending words of wisdom.  

I know how impatient and bored you are with formalities so I’m going to jump into things and start by saying OMG, put those tweezers down!  

I know you hate your thick brows but please stop plucking. They're never going to recover. Fifty-eight-year-old you will contemplate throwing a lot of money at something called microblading. You might be able to avoid that if you stop the plucking madness immediately. (If I was there with you now, I’d slap those tweezers out of your hand.)   

Speaking of tweezers, don’t get rid of them! You'll need those tweezers to regularly remove the 284 hairs sprouting from your chin. As for the hair on your head, it’s going to thin and turn white. Just accept it because there’s no stopping it.

The good news is you won't be able to see those chin hairs without your glasses. The bad news is, one day you’ll wake up and realize you can’t see a few feet in front of you.  

Don’t waste your time ridiculously squinting one eye like a pirate and holding things as far away as your arms will allow. Get yourself a snappy pair of reading glasses and move on with your life but be careful driving at night because from age 50 you’re not going to be able to see a damn thing even with glasses.

Let’s move on to your body. One day your ass, thighs, and stomach are going to grow to a size you never imagined was possible. Put the brakes on that now and stop stuffing Big Macs and cookies into your piehole. Oh, around age 45 your digestive system will revolt so plan on curbing the drinking too. 

As for the rest of your body, your ears, blood pressure, and cholesterol are fine but your future husband will be mostly deaf by age 62. Expect many frustrating years of shouting and miming before he agrees to get hearing aids. They will save your marriage. (I’m being a tad dramatic but you get the point.)

You’re probably wondering about friends, romance and other relationships so let's go there. Remember those mean girls in high school and middle school? 

Of course you do, no one forgets the mean girls.

If you retain one thing I tell you, let it be this – mean girls exist far beyond middle school. You’re going to encounter them in your 30s, 40s and 50s. One day you’re going to volunteer at a senior center and be surprised to find 80-year-old mean girls sitting at a mean girl's lunch table and acting the same as those other bitches you've crossed paths with. The excluding, ghosting, and passive aggressiveness never ends but don’t despair, you’ll be better equipped to handle them later in life. That is because…

You learned the benefits of keeping your inner circle small and understand that friendship is about quality, not quantity. You’ll also realize that friends change and outgrow each other. You’ll mourn every lost friendship but make stronger bonds with awesome women. I promise you, every shitty friend lost will be replaced by twice as many awesome ones.

Now we need to talk about men. Let’s start with that guy you loved in high school who broke your heart and treated you pretty crappy (although you didn’t realize it at the time because you thought you deserved less. Thank goodness you’re over that!)  

Anyway, one afternoon he’s going to find you on Facebook. You’ll chat and catch up and quickly realize what a dick he was in 1982 and what a dick he still is. You’ll spend the rest of your days grateful you dodged that bullet and wonder why you cried so many tears over such an idiot.

One day you will be married but I’m going to give you a heads up: It won't be the happily ever after fairy tale you dreamed of. That does not exist.

Marriage will be hard, like the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I’m not saying you won’t love your husband and there won’t be great times, because you will and there will be, but be prepared for the neverending hurdles you'll have to jump over together.  

He’ll be a good dude who can fix all kinds of stuff around your house but the drool and snoring that comes out of him each night will provoke many battles.

Pay attention, because I’m about to tell you something important: One of the secrets to a happy marriage is sleeping in separate bedrooms. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s bad for your marriage. Getting good sleep and allowing your spouse to get good sleep, because you snore and drool too BTW, is the best thing ever.  

Speaking of your marriage, one day you'll find the box of wedding cards you and your future husband stashed in the attic of your house with a hefty mortgage. You will read them and realize 98 percent of your relatives are no longer here. I know you’re busy but take time now to visit them. Please.

I know some things seem difficult now but as time passes, the f*cks you have left to give will dwindle. You’re going to get tougher, take a lot less sh*t, and focus on protecting your peace and setting boundaries. Eventually, you'll realize that being comfortable in your skin is liberating. Be you and embrace your eccentric, creative, quirky self.

So peace out younger Danielle! Don’t fret about anything because the bad stuff always passes and is replaced with double the good stuff. There are beautiful days ahead with a few surprises I didn’t mention.

PS - Two days before your wedding you’ll have a big fight with your future husband when he announces he will not ever clean a toilet. Let it go and learn to pick you’re battles. I promise he’ll clean the toilets. He’ll also repair them and save you hundreds of dollars you’d be paying a plumber.